I have a problem with control.
I'm aware of it, and sometimes I attempt to intentionally move into discomfort...i.e., moving to a different country for 6 months.
Most of the time though, I don't. When I started cooking more, I was initially proud of myself for experimenting with new recipes and foods. Then I realized that even the cooking was an attempt to further control what went into my body.
Other shining examples: I bought a bus pass today, purely because being in control of when I can leave my apartment makes me feel better, somehow, less trapped in my room. I hate, hate, hate taking medicine for anything because it acts in my body in ways I can't control. It took me a month to travel anywhere outside of Aberdeen because I didn't know how to navigate the rail system here - the newness put me out of a position of control.
And right now, I am having a serious control problem with a paper that's due tomorrow. I'm supposed to turn in a 2500 word paper on a prompt that's...well, it's not making me want to get a graduate degree in biblical studies. It's outlined, all of the quotes I need are organized into sections, the headings and bibliography are done, and I even have little sections of it written. But every time I sit down to write a big chunk of it, I freeze.
At Rhodes, I know exactly what I need to do to get a good grade on a paper, and with multiple paper opportunities for each class, I can turn out a rockstar final essay by the end of the semester. Here, there is one paper for the whole semester. One. You get one shot, and then you take an exam - an exam that isn't even graded by your faculty member.
The grading scale is 1-20, split into six sections. The percentages don't help to translate - no joke, a 47% is considered a pass here.
So I'm writing blind here, with no clue what it takes to write for an upper-level seminar class at this school, trying, so far abysmally, to let go of control.
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